Anxiety feels like: a ton of bricks on my chest

I was out with friends and got home around 10:40pm. I got into bed at 11pm. I had to be at work at 3:45am so I set my alarm for 2:40am. I usually like to wake up about an hour before I have to go anywhere because I like to take my time in the morning and I have a pretty long morning routine. I was already feeling anxious while I was out with friends, just knowing that I had to be up early the next morning. I can't explain it, it just feels like this constant thought looming in the back of my mind. I think it was the combination of going to sleep late and waking up early. Because if I went to sleep early at like 9pm then I think I would have been fine.

I have dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember. In college it got really bad-- I can go into detail about that in another post. But since then, I have really gotten a handle on it and it has been really good up until this morning. I think I would categorize this as a mini panic attack! The entire night my mind was racing, I didn't feel like I slept at all, and my eyes shot open at exactly 2:22am. I couldn't remember if I had set my alarm for 2:30 or 2:40. So I just laid there with my eyes closed, mind still racing. Then I started to get extremely hot and I was sweating. I had to turn the fan on higher. My heart started racing and at that point I really had to start talking myself down. Mind you this was all while I was just laying in bed with my eyes closed. To an outsider I'm sure I would have looked totally fine! That's the thing about anxiety, you could look completely fine on the outside but be totally freaking out on the inside. I started to have even faster thoughts, worrying about a million different things and making up different scenarios in my head. Since I have had a full blown panic attack in the past, (worst experience ever, if you've had one you know), I remembered what it felt like and I didn't let myself get to that point. I really tried to focus on my breathing and once I got out of bed I started to feel a little better. Note to self, don't just lay in bed if this happens again! I wanted to try to get as much sleep as I could but I wasn't even sleeping anyway so it was just torture.

After I got out of bed I went about my morning routine, I tried to get my mind focused on something else. I did feel a little nauseous too but thankfully everything went away once I got to work. Anxiety is so draining!! I went through allll of that and for what?! I got home from work around 11:45am and I hoped that I would be able to nap. I only had about 45 minutes until I had to start getting ready to leave again so I set an alarm and got into my bed. The same exact thing happened. My heart was racing, I couldn't stop thinking, and I just felt like I was laying there awake the entire time.

I am genuinely curious if there are people in this world that go through life without one bit of anxiety! I wonder what it's like lol. It's crazy to think that it's just my brain thinking a million thoughts about the future and the past. When the most important thing is to try to think about the present. The scary part is that it's so easy to give into these thoughts and let yourself get caught up in them. That's when anxiety just consumes you and doesn't allow you to live your life. I knew that I had to be up early but I still decided to go out with my friends and I had a great time. You can't let anxiety control your life!! It's so important to be aware of what is going on in your mind and take control of it.

I hesitate to post this because sometimes I feel embarrassed with people knowing what my mind goes through. It is hard to share because I don't want to be judged or looked at differently. Especially when it doesn't happen to this extent often anymore. But, since I do talk about these things, my friends feel comfortable talking to me about what they go through and even strangers too! I am always here to lend an ear. Sometimes it just helps to talk about it and know you aren't the only one.

Here are a some responses that I got from people when I asked what anxiety feels like for them:

"Feels like you're constantly fighting this voice inside and you just can't escape from the feeling."

"Anxiety feels like you can't concentrate, it feels like the whole world is moving even though you're sitting still and you're worried 24/7 that something bad is going to happen, you can't even eat or drink anything because it triggers your panic attacks. You can be relaxing one minute and the next feel the adrenaline rush kick in all over your chest up to your neck with your heart racing. You feel like you're not good enough and like you're living a repetitive loop and being trapped in your own reality. You can't sleep at night and you're worried when it gets dark because you don't want the anxiety to kick in when you're sleeping. It's the scariest feeling in the world."

"I used to get really bad anxiety attacks. So I went through a spiritual journey like 4 years ago. Meditating helped, yoga helped, basketball helped. I try to remember some Buddhist mantras. 'Life is suffering' and 'The root of suffering is attachment'."

"For me, it was an inability to fully connect on a social level/certain social cues (shyness/anxiety) because of emotional trauma as a young kid. I used to just push it aside. Anxiety felt like I couldn't convey what I was feeling. And often times I'd just stay home and watch a movie or something. Then have to "fake" like everything was ok. I had a breakthrough recently which increased my understanding of how shy/anxious I was. When you're in it, you don't know how bad you have it. It's your life. It's only when the weight is taken off that you realize."

Thank you all for sharing! And thank you for reading :)